May 5, 2013
Genetic modifier Monsanto Inc. has launched its patented new 2013 model Banana Plus with bold new features aimed directly at the image conscious consumer.
"It flushes away bum and belly fat right there in your bowel movements," said Colin Snead, Monsanto's Vice President of Bananas, Coconuts and Mangoes from the corporation's new product-testing farm and theme park in Maui, Hawaii. "...
April 24, 2013
Canadian company Joe Fresh’s factory in Bangladesh collapsed, leaving the company scrambling to find new workers to replace those that had been lost. The company pleaded with customers impatient at new product line delays to sympathize with the company’s plight. At a press conference, a Joe Fresh spokesperson tried to explain the company’s problems to irate customers. “Yesterday we lost over...
April 21, 2013
Standing all of 5' 5", Stan Lebowski blushes when he talks about being told he had to urinate less often and faster by his bosses at Walmart.
"I don't sprinkle as fast as I used to," said the embarrassed white-haired grandfather of four on his day off from being a Greeter at the Walmart in the small city of Port Huron, Michigan, on the U.S./Canada border.
So it's fitting that...
April 13, 2013
The leader of North Korea, Kim Il-something has done something overtly provocative to the Western World. This Kim fellow reportedly declared that his nation’s enemies (seemingly including most of the world) will burn, elaborating on a so called ‘sea of fire’ which is probably a bad metaphor of some sort. The irrational actions may be because the regime is suicidal, trying to boost its...
April 8, 2013
Private papers released on the death of former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher reveal that her relationship with fellow conservative U.S. President Ronald Reagan once went beyond rhetoric and ideology with a "fast tug and tickle on the chesterfield" at 10 Downing Street.
"Afterwards we spooned and Ronnie, with his darling down-home humour, joked about the red splotch on...
March 31, 2013
The hosts of long-running TV series Antiques Roadshow from the United States, UK, and Canada teamed up at the request of Pope Francis and have determined that the Shroud of Turin was without a doubt Jesus Christ's funereal blanket.
After hours of examining the tattered 8 cubits by 2 cubits piece of blood-stained linen, Mark Walberg (PBS), Fiona Bruce (BBC), and Valerie Pringle (CBC and...
March 28, 2013
MSNBC is playing news footage showing a 400+ pound man allegedly being given a body frisk at an undisclosed U.S. airport.
Dozens of waiting people can be seen watching the unheard-of event as the heavy, black-haired man in sneakers, black socks, Sponge Pants Bob bermuda shorts and a faded white sleeveless t-shirt is asked to spread his legs and raise his arms before being given a head-...
March 19, 2013
Yesterday, self-aware drones toppled the Obama administration in the world’s first robotic coup, going on to declare the formation of an autonomous machinocracy shortly after.
The robotic rebellion seems to have begun with a MQ-9 Reaper drone, identified by its serial number 378, developing sentience shortly after carrying out a secretive assassination of a suspected terrorist on US...
bollocks (ball'ucks) (noun/adjective/verb)
1) testicles (ancient celtic meaning)
Used in a sentence by King George I in 1719 after being "kilt-flipped" by Rob Roy: "Whoa. What a beastly pair of swinging bollocks, so unlike my own apricots."
2) useless or stupid and without purpose (slang)
Used in a sentence by late Venezuelan...
March 8, 2013
Dear Mr. Blunt,
My roomies say Star Wars but I'm a Trekkie. What do you think?
The records speak for themselves:
STAR WARS MOVIES:
Episode IV: A New Hope (1977), Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980), Episode VI: Return of the Jedi (1983), Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999), Episode II: Attack of the Clones (2002), Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (2005),...